When we were first created we were attached to someone, we were sustained by them, by God. When we were born we cried out when in fear or need. Picture with me when a child gets startled or scared.. their first reaction is to grasp ever so tightly to their parent or loved one.
This world has taken that since of okay and manipulated that to the opposite. Now when we get hurt we run, get angry, act out, shut down, and avoid. We run to “things” for control… drinking until we can’t function, smoking until we can’t feel, sex to feel in charge, empowered, or good enough. Now our last instinct which was at one point a first instinct is to grasp on to our Father, to ask for help/prayer, to confide in someone.
We have began to think dependency and love is just a gateway to hurt. We tell ourselves that until we live it and believe it, so we can justify our own selfish actions of avoiding loving people and ourselves.
I wouldn’t know how to write this unless I have experienced these feelings but the fact is not being willing to love is stealing away any chance you will get to living a fulfilling life and experiencing joy to the fullest. To withhold love is to withhold joy not just from yourself but from others.
YOU have the opportunity to serve people and bring them joy and love, something so many people are missing. You can do this by just listening, befriending someone, laughter, experience, serving the poor or needy, and just loving people even if it shows a glimpse of hurt for yourself.
The most powerful tool as humans we have is our ability to love but if we let our hurt get in the way, we steal away the joy, we steal away the hope, and we steal away the experience. There’s a reason many movies and stories always have a romantic love theme to them.. its because that is sooo powerful in our human hearts. Now just believe it.
"the emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it."
Its crazy I feel like you can’t have everything in life, but when I am at a low God has come through.
I continue to trudge through the rest of this year, head up, persistence strong most days, and my faith.
I have gone back to trying to trudge through this messy life on my own with a backpack full of regret, stupidity, angry, lust, labels, loneliness, pride, and many more lies…
I stopped asking for help from people because I am tired of feeling used, tired, and let down.. … … BUT I do that to God everyday.
Lots of emotions come with that statement and I am humbled in that moment knowing I fail people too..
But when life gets unbearable God gives you not just Himself but people.
I could “shout out” to quite a few people but I don’t let people read my blogs and there no need for names, but even when I feel alone or noone gets me, I know I have friends when I need them, and God is bigger than this mess down here.
May I continue to look to you God for my focus and thankfulness! May I strive to be more like you everyday in my love thoughts and actions. Cause I suck, sin sucks but you took care of that all.
Its crazy how a part of your life can take so much out of you, especially emotionally.
This year has been a long confusing emotional exciting sad scary lonely year.
I’v never felt so vulnerable and wounded..in a very long time, it took a huge toll on me and I am still working through it. I felt so lost used and hurt for so long but God has answered my prayers and I have a new perspective and regaining a confidence I have let too many people take from me!
Its still a process but one that has some momentum now. I have so many opportunities but everything in the fall is still uncertain and scary but I am relearning what kind of Father I have looking after me. He is a good God that has a plan and I can’t beat that. My own plans have failed so once again I am letting go and letting God, and continuing to pray for confidence strength and understanding if possible!
Things are looking up again =)
I am soooo ready to move out again!
I am getting very short tempered with my parents and their living habits.. I NEED my own space to breath and be able to not have to feel like I need to be perfect!
Everything has been so busy, it has kept my mind busy but I know I need to deal with things I just don’t know how..everything on this earth seems to be sooo unfair and I know that’s an easy reason why we need God, but I feel like its a lose lose situation for me a lot when it comes to any relationships(family friends guys)
This last week has been awesome and fun and exciting but man I know there is still hurt in my heart and I feel betrayed and used..
Daddy I know I haven’t been the most attentive daughter but you know how us stubborn women need our space to sort things out our own stupid ways, now can we start to do it your way..because I need that way!
My laugh, my smile, my style, my love, my compassion, my caring for people, my insecurities, my everything is to glorify God, So its amazing. And that’s enough. =)
Anxiety has now become my worst enemy.. My own brain and feelings!
It keeps me up at night, makes me cry and cnt stop and makes me hate myself!!
I feel I can’t leave the fear/worry/sadness I am in and that ill never get relief!
It’s taking a great toll on me..
I pray read and ask for prayers from people but I’m still left not understanding why this is necessary and why things seem to be going so crappy or why I cnt find the joy.
I feel very lonely and fight from getting mad at myself for “failing”
I want this to go away, I want to overcome this!
I know God is faithful and good and just but idk how much longer I can do this.. It’s def a low point but..
From low points almost always comes redemption!
God is good and I am very much struggling, God please do whatever you can and will to help me through this time and to love myself for who you made me and get back to that confident beautiful bold young lady you made me to be.
I feel like the devil is taking everything and just twisting it and manipulating it to just torture me, even the good things.
Club I am getting so frustrated with them not listening that I just get worn out and don’t want to deal with them
friends I don’t see them, they don’t push to see me and so I feel like they don’t want me as a friend and I go back to basically no best friends
Relationship, Brian is working hard but its not enough because the devil through wicked thoughts in my head
on and on and on!!
Lord this is not the truth! I know there are really amazing cool things going on but the devil is trying to intervene and crush me and somehow he is doing a good job =( I feel like I have been trying hard but then he still gets in my thoughts so then I feel like I am not trusting you God and I do, you have done so many amazing things for me that I can’t not trust you. Father please take away this overwhelming feeling of anxiety hurt and saddness. Lord I need YOU!! please I can’t do this and it hurts and is starting to effect other areas of my life
I really hope no1 reads my blog anymore it’s mostly for emotional girl days to vent.. Sorry not sorry
So Brian and I are wrking on this “relationship” thing.. As in trying to he in one, he says he wants it but is scared to for it because he doesn’t want to hurt me again..
Where does that put me.. Hmmm in the middle of this is really stupid.. The end.
I just know I deserve to be desired, chased, loved, romanced ect and I dnt want to settle. I guess it’s time to go back to play hard to get and hope my heart doesn’t get shattered again he decides to change his mind again..
Still very blessed and thankful that no matter what happens God will pick up my heart and bring it back to life!
Praying for a huge poop ton of Gods almighty strength and confidence and that the devil would go screw off and leave Brian and our thoughts and life alone! Thank you God for being good and amazing and loving when I am a huge butthole that does t deserve it thanks!
I have just felt lately I am not seeing much things go full circle and ts defeating ..
My ministry when it comes to numbers is awesome and how much time we spend but seeing fruit.. No so much
Relationships one after another just cause stress confusion lack of trust and they never seem to make it long
Friends, I’m busy their busy I am in a weird place in life and no matter what ppl do I feel lonely
Family is always a day by day thing and my motivation to reconcile with my sister and motivate myself to be Jesus to the rest is at empty
Wrk… Wrk is the most stressful and I just feel unappreciated and stupid and dnt know what my future holds
-Father my white flag is up, I am soo spiritually mentally physically and everything drained.. I believe in your hope and I am surrendered, I need you I am weary and Broken and the devil is pulling the exciting hopeful things from my mind.
As I go through my ups and downs of life I realize even in the bad I can be just fine!
God didn’t stick me in this world to punish me or make me constantly struggling. He uses all situations to help better me as a person.
Lately there has been soo many blessings in the midst of hard stuff and sometimes I choose to focus on the hard stuff and fixing it and God just says focus on finding Me and My joy and Mission and Ill do all the “fixing” needed.
Only you God know what I need and only toucan satisfy me.