Helps me process my thoughts and encourage myself and others =)
I don’t know if it is a early 20’s thing or just a me thing.
But I feel like this year I am starting with a blank canvas and I am not sure what I want to paint.
Even when I get an idea the idea just seems unclear and hasn’t come full circle in my mind, I might know how to start it but I don’t know if I like it enough, what the purpose is, or if I can even do that, and am I supposed to.
I hope when people describe me they would say I was adventurous and if not that at least a loving person to be around.
That’s what I want to be and that’s all I have to start my blank canvas with, is I want to live my life loving people around me, standing up for people who feel unloved, and always enjoying a new adventure!
The problem I have come to see besides not seeing the picture at all or just a little is…. I was once this person taking risks, loving people, striving to be the best me but in the last year or two I have slowly been beaten down and wounded and some days I hear voices telling me that that adventure and love isn’t worth the price of the being beaten and wounded..
It honestly pisses me off.. that voice.. those voices.. telling me its not worth it, and taking my already great adventures God blessed me with and down playing them in my head. They are the voices of lies and I decided along time ago precisely about 5 years ago I was done even entertaining those thoughts.
Even in the last two weeks I have seen myself grow and just deal with people differently and I can’t help but thank my Father for a perspective change and the constant reminders of grace and love. I might get frustrated some days but its not about what people can do or what they have done to me but what I can do for them.
I doubt Jesus felt great being up on that cross dying for the people that put Him there but He also didn’t quit.
He died and three days later rose to prove those voices were wrong, so no matter how beaten up, bruised, wounded, or close to death I feel I won’t stop loving people and neither should you.. because its never been about ourselves its always been about how us/ourselves can care about each other. You don’t have to do it perfect but the effort of love shows great character.
The risk taking Christian
I feel I am a type… A interesting type
The risk taking type that people will most likely judge and question always and forever.
I walk on boundaries as if taunting the evil to go ahead and try me
I think something inside me fires up and says, to be the best..you have to know you can face the worst.
There’s something in me that thrives on proving people wrong and finding adventure and fun in any and every moment, and showing that to others.
As a Christian i do things that ppl question, I work with young kids but I drink downtown with my friends. See I don’t do one or the other for me but i do it because they both need the same thing We all need.. we all need love and friendship.. And we all need Jesus.
There’s something so humbling about allowing your faith to be tested by the worst of things and knowing you’ve struggled with much but from it gained a new kind of touch.
Iv gained empathy, understanding, and above all else one of the hardest things for me to grasp and that’s grace.
The grace my Father gives me freely along with his love and acceptance.
The grace for people to make mistakes and learn from them.
Grace taught me what it looks like to be hurt but still forgive.
Grace taught me how to understand people and God more.
By taking risks in my life I have only gained so much, I understood more the risk Jesus took in ministering to the people he did and in dying on the cross for many who still don’t understand what He did.
The most important thing I have learned through risk taking instead of traveling life safe is I will be questioned, even judged, probably disliked, some would say dumb but to my Father he would say brave and to myself I would say I have never been more dependent on my Father.
My risks, some being mistakes have only lead me closer to my Father because like most kids realize only the best father can heal all the bumps and bruises from just diving right into life whole hearted, and mine sent me right into my Fathers arms safe and loved more then ever! :)
- kind words He placed on my hear while laying in bed tonight❤️☺️
Life is a day by day analysis of am I am going to be okay.. today?
Unfortunately the moments that keep us awake at night and anxious during the day are ones that don’t matter, they shouldn’t matter
But they are the ones stuck in my dreams.. splattered.
They play on and on stuck on rerun, has my mind distracted from what used to be fun.
The devil is the master manipulator ready to devour, he takes what we intended to be good and in between laughter he crushes what was once a beautiful thing,.. now he made it a disaster.
He thinks he has won, as we lay on the ground chained down by sex, drugs, and everything we could cling onto to get off this ground. We grabbed for money, control, people, success and expectations but was still left on the ground with even a heavier frown.
The thing about all these things, is not one will make us happy and not one will set us free.
The master at manipulating captured us in our own arrogance and shame, we allowed our doubt and disappointment to consume us and so we sprayed perfume over our mess and just continued to not pass the test.
The test.. what test? The test has already been aced and our sin was then erased. Many of you forget or push it away but God sent Jesus and He did it all without sin.
You may not completely understand it or fully want to get it, but we give thanks to Jesus because without him we would still be chained,not just by the devil but by our own sins we have hidden deep within.
He allowed us to be set free while he died and screamed “Father they know not what they do.”
We may feel like life is unclear but Jesus came to prove it doesn’t matter, because, “faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”
This means maybe clearity is not even close to what we need.
We need Grace, love, and forgiveness, can’t you see?
Jesus proved it, now can’t you just trust and push through this.
you’re all that I have and you’re all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
I want to be close to you, yes I’m so hungry
You’re like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there’s no me
You’re the air that I breathe
Say sometimes the world is dark and I just can’t see
With these, demons surround all around to bring me down to negativity
But I believe, yes I believe, I said I believe
I’ll stand on my own two feet
Won’t be brought down on one knee
Fight with all of my might and get these demons to flee
What if our failures or mess ups weren’t about not messing up but being able to let go and accept Gods love in the middle of the struggle. The focus isn’t how you messed up but if you can choose to accept Gods love in the midst of the struggle.
You can never fail too much for this Father.
So just run to Him for His comforting embrace.
Because when everyone else can’t or refuses to understand He will, and He loves to listen.
In that moment I feel someone trying to rip me out of my Fathers arms…
The fear kicks in, I don’t want to leave This place of peace, please no!
I close my eyes I whisper His name the tears start flowing down the freckled cheeks and the anger in my chest builds.
I go to look at my capture and lose my breath when I see…
No scary monsters
No mean people
Then I hear the voice through the chaos and confusion.
It says you hate yourself so much,
Especially when you mess up.
You then become your own capture keeping you from your Father.
I take a deep breath and the tears haven’t stopped, I fall to the ground grasping for any comfort around me and can’t find one the fulfills that void I created in myself.
It’s then when my Father picks up his tear filled fired up small child and says
“I love you, that’s all”
When the trial and fear fades away and
PEACE… becomes the new normal.
I feel God is pointing me into a new season where I can finally see and this time I am not blind. He wants me not to just feel the experience anymore but see it and through his perspective.
I have had a peace, but even within the peace your mistakes haunt you. As most memories bring joy, some sting you with the pain of shame and the remembrance of that mistake. I don’t fear my mistakes or my past anymore but look at them with wonder.
What does God do with them?
For people I think a lot of times we pack them away or try to but if not we relive them in memories and try to find positives.
If hardship and mistakes bring growth and change, you don’t want to get rid of them.
I just picture a beautiful wide open grassy field where their are flowers and trees and grass for days. I feel like God buried those “mistakes” and still beauty came from it.
Sometimes I just wonder
through tears I say oh Lord I feel so hated, unloved, misunderstood, and alone… it hurts soo bad to feel this alone.
-He says you don’t need to be understood by people because Ill be the only one who truly understands you, and noone else matters
I say but Lord, I have so much going on and noone has sympathy more me, I feel like such a burden.
-That’s how I felt on that cross
I know I sound selfish and I really am thankful but I don’t want to pay bills, or try with people, or anything, it hurts so much to do the right thing and try to love people.
-I never said it would be easy
God I feel pushed away because of my positive perspectives, and it makes me look arrogant or that I say too much, but I just want people to stop saying things without giving people grace. I try to talk as if everyone can always hear and see everything I am talking about.
-You all do it, but you all aren’t in the same place. You can’t hear how you talk all the time and how that comes off and neither can they, lead with love, always.
…….Even when overwhelmed its crazy what you hear when you just listen.
Everything seems to intertwine and nothing makes since to me.
Organization, lists, literal language, planning.. this is my language.
But with my faith I feel like I live in a world that is opposite of this.
Trusting God, not knowing, not planning
I want to be like that but what if I am not?
I am a tough, but sensitive planner, how do you do the opposite?
It feels so sad, hard, confusing, and overall frustrating.
I compare myself, I get mad at myself, I get jealous of others, a lot of days I wish I was different.
I know why to love myself but I don’t know how, then I get so jealous and angry that I am alone.
the feeling of lonliness is such a cowardly feeling when we have such a big God.
I know the lies but I can’t always feel the truth.
Then I have someone who is an aching reminder of not being good enough, not by choice but it’s just it, and its almost everyday.
I know so fully that my God is a big loving Father who has a great plan for me, but when I can’t see it I start to lose sight on who I am.
I saw a friend post something like “You’ll never enjoy being out on the ocean if you fear leaving the beach”
I don’t know how to do this but I want it so badly you have no idea, choosing to live outside of fear is a choice I feel like I have to make everyday and too many times.. but its worth it.
I can’t wait for the day where I live free from fear and its not a huge fight its just a good habit.
It’s just about how govt wants to conform people or even bigger outside thinking how this world wants to conform you and if you go against that conforming you are an enemy to them because they can’t control you. It talks A LOT about fear and how it can control people or cause people to act or not act when needed. So how this conformist world has you fearing being different because if you do you won’t be accepted or loved Etc. and then just not allowing the fear to control and recognizing the lies or the false reality and fighting for what is real and right.
I feared writing a paper because I didnt want to be wrong I feared people would judge me or think I am stupid or incompetent to lead other.. Blah blah blah and more I broke down because I allowed a little fear and lie consume. After the movie and realizing a lot I wrote my paper confidently in 30 min and wrote it well.
It’s a big huge mind game and you have to trust the God is the truth and that you are able to trust Him enough to save you from the lies and shed light on it like the lead male role in the movie.