….wonder…

When the trial and fear fades away and 

PEACE… becomes the new normal.

I feel God is pointing me into a new season where I can finally see and this time I am not blind. He wants me not to just feel the experience anymore but see it and through his perspective.

I have had a peace, but even within the peace your mistakes haunt you. As most memories bring joy, some sting you with the pain of shame and the remembrance of that mistake. I don’t fear my mistakes or my past anymore but look at them with wonder. 

What does God do with them?

For people I think a lot of times we pack them away or try to but if not we relive them in memories and try to find positives. 

If hardship and mistakes bring growth and change, you don’t want to get rid of them.

I just picture a beautiful wide open grassy field where their are flowers and trees and grass for days.  I feel like God buried those “mistakes” and still beauty came from it. 

Sometimes I just wonder


overwhelmed

through tears I say oh Lord I feel so hated, unloved, misunderstood, and alone… it hurts soo bad to feel this alone.

-He says you don’t need to be understood by people because Ill be the only one who truly understands you, and noone else matters

I say but Lord, I have so much going on and noone has sympathy more me, I feel like such a burden. 

-That’s how I felt on that cross

I know I sound selfish and I really am thankful but I don’t want to pay bills, or try with people, or anything, it hurts so much to do the right thing and try to love people.

-I never said it would be easy

God I feel pushed away because of my positive perspectives, and it makes me look arrogant or that I say too much, but I just want people to stop saying things without giving people grace. I try to talk as if everyone can always hear and see everything I am talking about. 

-You all do it, but you all aren’t in the same place. You can’t hear how you talk all the time and how that comes off and neither can they, lead with love, always.

…….Even when overwhelmed its crazy what you hear when you just listen. 


Complex

Everything seems to intertwine and nothing makes since to me.

Organization, lists, literal language, planning.. this is my language. 

But with my faith I feel like I live in a world that is opposite of this. 

Trusting God, not knowing, not planning 

I want to be like that but what if I am not?

I am a tough, but sensitive planner, how do you do the opposite?

It feels so sad, hard, confusing, and overall frustrating.

I compare myself, I get mad at myself, I get jealous of others, a lot of days I wish I was different.

I know why to love myself but I don’t know how, then I get so jealous and angry that I am alone. 

the feeling of lonliness is such a cowardly feeling when we have such a big God. 

I know the lies but I can’t always feel the truth.

Then I have someone who is an aching reminder of not being good enough, not by choice but it’s just it, and its almost everyday.

I know so fully that my God is a big loving Father who has a great plan for me, but when I can’t see it I start to lose sight on who I am.

I saw a friend post something like “You’ll never enjoy being out on the ocean if you fear leaving the beach”

I don’t know how to do this but I want it so badly you have no idea, choosing to live outside of fear is a choice I feel like I have to make everyday and too many times.. but its worth it. 

I can’t wait for the day where I live free from fear and its not a huge fight its just a good habit. 


Short version of my thoughts on Divergent!

It’s just about how govt wants to conform people or even bigger outside thinking how this world wants to conform you and if you go against that conforming you are an enemy to them because they can’t control you. It talks A LOT about fear and how it can control people or cause people to act or not act when needed. So how this conformist world has you fearing being different because if you do you won’t be accepted or loved Etc. and then just not allowing the fear to control and recognizing the lies or the false reality and fighting for what is real and right.

I feared writing a paper because I didnt want to be wrong I feared people would judge me or think I am stupid or incompetent to lead other.. Blah blah blah and more I broke down because I allowed a little fear and lie consume. After the movie and realizing a lot I wrote my paper confidently in 30 min and wrote it well.
It’s a big huge mind game and you have to trust the God is the truth and that you are able to trust Him enough to save you from the lies and shed light on it like the lead male role in the movie.
**short version**


Lost

I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’d love to tell someone that but I don’t really have those kind of friends.
I want to serve less because I feel I find my purpose in helping people not in who God created me to be.
I want to quit ministry, not go to Kenya, and just stay here and work a normal job.
But am I just being a coward, am I just taking the easy way out so I can live under the devils radar so I can live with less expectations, So life can get “easy.”
I don’t know what I want anymore.
I know I’m not alone in my feelings of loneliness and confusion but i still am alone. I don’t have a best friend or a friend group anymore, I live my life to serve others but where does that leave me..? Alone. It just feels so empty and wrong. So what’s the right thing to do.?
Anyone?



Peace

I feel like I have traveled down this road fighting off so many things..

for a long time..

I won’t ever arrive where I need to be, at least not for awhile.

The thing is I think I learned how to stop walking, to sit down in the shade of a tree on a beautiful sunny day and just enjoy the walk.

By no means does it make the walk or fights any less hard or long but it makes it more worth it.

It’s all about being content with where you are in the moment, trusting, and finding joy in that.


Blindfolded

It’s hard in life sometimes when you feel blindfolded and dnt know what step to take next.
In one of my child education classes we played this game where we were partnered with someone and one was the driver and one was the steering wheel.. The trick was the driver was blindfolded and the teacher put obstacles in the way to see if we could listen,obey, and trust the person steering.
Let’s just say this exercise was a hard one for me. I’m very much a planner and like to know what’s coming next. Life and our relationship with God isn’t always like that but we have to trust our Father is steering is the way we need to go!
Abraham left and obeyed God mostly not knowing fully what god had in store for him not knowing that one day Abraham would be so very blessed. This doesn’t mean the Abraham didn’t struggle but His trust for God helped him overcome those obstacles!
Who’s steering in your life? Your worries, friends, insecurities, mistrust, selfishness? Who’s going to help you get past those obstacles?


Running thoughts

My brain feels like the fairground or an amusement park.
So many sounds, lights, and soo soo much to it
My thoughts are running everywhere, up and down, side to side, and In circles.
These thoughts keep me awake at night.
They pull out every unanswered question and every lie…
God oh God Lord of all calm my heart still my mind, let peace and truth enter.
Allow the unanswered questions and thoughts be paradise.
Shine your light through all the anxiousness of these thoughts that are meaningless because that’s what they are.
Thoughts that’s don’t bring you glory are deceiving and meaningless.
They make the mind you gifted me with a beautiful but messy trap.
I pray again Lord is bigger and more powerful then everything calm my heart and still my mind.

Love your
Beautiful persistent tired daughter :)


Just some of my favs ;)


God doesn’t just believe in our dreams.. He creates them!

Our God is soooo big, every time He does something so big and amazing I don’t even have words to describe my thankfulness and excitement that I get from realizing how beyond AMAZING & LOVING my Father is! 

After choices and failures this year I just figured that God had given up on helping me accomplish my dreams, and knowing I couldn’t do it myself I gave up on me..who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, and how I wanted to serve God. I told myself I had lost all my chances and I almost lost everything I love that brings me happiness and joy serving God.  I begin to get sad and kick myself hard in the butt, and just say well you asked for this, you made choices and now you deserve it.  The few people that knew these things reminded me that God will still use me and forgive me no matter what I lose or gain in life… I struggled believing it.

I went to the coffee shop today thinking I’d just have some time to relax, nothing special.  God had bigger plans for me. Not only did he provide a friend that would encourage me but a friend that He would use to revive my heart and life that was still running hard from grasps of death that was trying to catch it.  God had a special couple who have kept me floating and seeking God since I began my walk and I give them credit and gratitude knowing God sent them to keep me going, keep me focused on truth, God knowing I would have to have them in my life, because their hearts are so pure and so loving people focused that in times of trouble they could turn me back to God’s truth and away from the worlds lies. I sat in the coffee shop talking with this other friend about plans, opportunities, this couple, future, God and realized.. God doesn’t just believe in my dreams.. HE CREATES THEM, He planned them and placed them in my heart and makes it happen in my life!  

God has overwhelmed me so much with his Grace, love for me, understanding of my heart, forgiveness, and His great value and plan he has put in me to do His work to glorify Him. He didn’t walk away from me or my dreams, I got distracted without even knowing it, I tried to travel this dangerous world alone and ended up getting scared but the most powerful part is that my dad was still waiting there arms wide open ready to embrace me when I came running back. I don’t have words to describe the love My Father has for me. 

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**HEALING**Message I sent that spoke truth and brought soo much healing to my HEART

——— thank you for the apology, thank you for doing it without me asking.  It’s hard especially coming from someone who will always mean a lot to me, so when I get sad my defense is just to make you feel as bad as I do.
You are not the reason I’m struggling and I am not addicted to drugs or drinking I am addicted to ppl. I love to serve show ppl worth encouragement and just love ppl but because of that or failures and expectations in my life I use ppl as a crutch and their opinions or actions as truth. I did put a lot into our relationship and I didn’t do anything wrong, I was being a supportive girlfriend working her way to a wife, you and me not knowing you weren’t ready for that kind of support or to be able to support someone that way.. That was not your fault, most days or times we talk about us I really do struggle believing I wasn’t just a rebound or someone to just distract you but I know you did truly care about me otherwise you wouldn’t of left me, you would have kept using me but you didn’t. My way of thinking that I tend to forget is I was too good too prized as my Father would say to be in that relationship with someone who wasn’t quite ready for that big of a prize ;) 
Now we struggle with this weird sometimes awkward friendship that we turn into a joke. 
I would love for you and others to be more aware and sensitive but that’s not up to me.. but I need you to stop treating me like I’m your moms favorite china you broke.. In a way it’s like that but no one breaks there moms favorite china on purpose but the thing is you get sooo scared and soo mad at themselves that they did it they act irrational/mean, scared, disappointed, and run away. I dnt care if you do those things but I wnt understand I’ll just feel even more hurt and confused. I may be broken china but only God can fix me.. And same with Molly and you have to forgive yourself  . Molly and I both knew at some point this wasn’t right wasn’t healthy instead of walking away listening to our gut we stuck to our dependency comfort  false hope and lies we weren’t good enough etc that’s a choice WE made, a choice WE could’ve made to walk away, to stand up for ourselves! Now most days we can and the days we can’t we have God and friends whether we see that or not.
Please don’t blame yourself and thanks for walking away from me, thanks for apologizing, and thanks for showing me sooo sooo much I want in a man/husband someday because you have most of it… You just have to believe in what you have ;) 
Idk why I went encouraging I think it helps me heal in someway to continue to find positives even in my hardest situations, with people who did it on purpose or not.. Hurt me the most. One day when you have worked through Molly stuff and finished all your apologies and process her stuff you can just buy me braeda and tell me your sorry and I’m a hottie and worth it and I’ll be solid ;) that’ll only take you an afternoon. Until then just try to be nice and if that doesn’t wrk apologies are always nice :)
Night.


The experiences you should linger on more

-Genuine time spent with family

-Doing something new, or achieving something you’ve never done.  (Snowboarding, falling in love, building something, cooking)

-Traveling.. the sights you saw, the feelings you got, the people you met, the smell of the environment the feeling of adventure. Traveling is big one for me, because it accomplishes that since of adventure I need in my life.  Whether its seeing the ocean in South Africa and just sitting in the warm sun or hiking a mountain in CO, both are so incredible for me, bring me such peace. 

-Working with children, they just bring so much happiness and warmth to my heart. Or even just holding a new born and realizing how tiny and fragile but beautiful this little child is. 

-When you look back at old photos and journals and the amazement of all the things that have happened in your life already. 

-The people who have impacted you,because for me their are soo many!

-The moments even the small ones where you know God did that because He knew you needed it. (right now my friendship with Noah and Chelsea)

               Lately my mind has been my worst enemy, constantly reminding me of all the things I have failed at or could have done better. The feeling of, you will never get anything right after that last mess up. Its been corrupting me, who I want to be, who God intended me to be.

I am trusting in God that even though I feel defeated I have these experiences to linger on and to keep hope in Him. . 


While my aunt has been staying with me through the holiday I have realized a lot! 
1. The encouragement and genuine love she shows me along with other cool things she blesses me with have really impacted and brought joy to my heart!!
2. That our hearts are similar and we struggle realizing we are settling because we want sooo badly to believe and see only good in all people!
3. That I am loved I just have to open my eyes a little wider and have a more thankful attitude =)

While my aunt has been staying with me through the holiday I have realized a lot! 

1. The encouragement and genuine love she shows me along with other cool things she blesses me with have really impacted and brought joy to my heart!!

2. That our hearts are similar and we struggle realizing we are settling because we want sooo badly to believe and see only good in all people!

3. That I am loved I just have to open my eyes a little wider and have a more thankful attitude =)


Struggles.. lets be honest

After reading an article online about topics that don’t always come up at church and need to be talked about I realized I think my church does a great job at it but I hide my struggles terribly well.  Unless your my very closest friend or you can read minds I can do a pretty good job at making life look ‘flawless” or too “easy”

Its so hard to be honest with our struggles because when we admit we are struggling that means we are weak.. or so we think. 

Why can’t it just be we are strong, courageous, and humble enough to admit that we aren’t perfect and never will be.

We are too worried about what peoples opinions will do to our pride.

What would happen if we shared our struggles publicly and someone found comfort knowing they aren’t crazy, they aren’t alone, and they have a friend to talk to.

So here I go, these are my top 5 struggles of 2013:

1. Anxiety/Panic attaches: I have never struggled with emotional breakdowns, terrible doubts, or anything of the sort.  In my family you could say we were raised as tough little world changers, we did our best to not show emotion and get the job in hand done.  This year I couldn’t tell you how many times I have balled, ugly cried, and couldn’t breathe do to the fact of being frustrated or someone saying something and it triggering a complete mental breakdown.  It sounds so immature and stupid and that why I don’t share with many people about it but it has shown me I can’t always be in control and to cling to my Father in prayer and comfort during these times when the lies become to real and make my body basically shut down until I can calm down.

2. Lust/sex/shame:  I have not always been a Christian, I was born with hope in my heart but I’v always been the kid that walks on the boundaries to see the reactions. I had hopes long ago to only have sex with one man and that to be my husband for ever and ever after, the end.  That didn’t happen, I got caught up in a sweet guy that pursued me for months and treated me really well, we were very close friends before and I had never let a guy get to know me so intimately and so my own morals and hopes were tossed aside for a time with this guy. Since then I have chosen to do my best at following God but because of my history I still struggle with the lust and the want of sex.  It was created to be this amazing thing to enjoy, but within the boundaries of marriage.  I made a decision out of selfish desire and lust and then we broke up.  I continued to allow myself to be used because I didn’t know what else to do and it presented me with lots of lies I sometimes still believe.  That choice I made a few years back broke me and still effects me in the way that I still carry some shame with that, and a tugging need to want to do that again, even though I know how badly it might set me back again. 

3. Selfishness/expectations: This year I have unfortunately been so scared to not be okay that I became a selfish person.  Instead of being honest and brave going to people with my struggles I have faked and hid my struggles hoping noone would find me weak, or not good enough. I took to self pity alone with myself and said I would not burden people, but really I was just trying to hold onto my pride and control WAY to tightly. This lead to me trying to do a lot for people but them not knowing I NEEDED them too and so my expectations of friends kept failing me. I wasn’t very open with them about needing them too and so I found myself very alone this year and instead of being a super great friend I sat in my selfishness and pride.. pouting. 

4. Lonliness/dependency and need for a significant other: Because of failed relationships in the past and because my last relationship we talked seriously about getting marriage/love which I have never done before, I let go of God’s hand and held tightly to people.  I held tightly to their thoughts, words, and actions towards me.  I very quickly got let down because as many of us know God is the only one that can fulfill me and bring me hope and truth.  I got so caught up in people loving me, people thinking I am worthy, and people thinking I am good enough, that it became overwhelming and seemed almost impossible to hear Gods opinions/truths about me. I still struggle with feeling lonely as I see so many couples and friend cliques but I know that even if I had all that, that only God can bring fulfillment and truth to my heart.   

5. Grace: With all the above I have struggled with accepting Gods Grace and forgiveness.  I know He loves me but sometimes I look at my long list of failures and I let it make me think God’s grace isn’t enough for me. The thing is “Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.”  (Ephesians 1:4) He believed this so much that He sent His son to die for every single person on this earth a terrible death so we could have bridge to living eternally in the kingdom with Him. 

God’s love, grace, forgiveness is so big we can’t understand it fully but through all my struggles this year I have realized how beautiful God is how beautiful He can make my life if I let go and let Him in. 

“Cause I am a sinner 
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words 
Tangled in lies 
You are the Savior 
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful 
Beautiful ”

-I hope this could help someone know they are not alone in their struggles, give them inspiration to look to the Father for comfort and purpose. 

Shelby Anne (A hopeful sinner)