Time spent with my protector 😊

Time spent with my protector 😊



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1st attempt at a spoken word

Everything’s unclear

Life is a day by day analysis of am I am going to be okay.. today?

Unfortunately the moments that keep us awake at night and anxious during the day are ones that don’t matter, they shouldn’t matter

But they are the ones stuck in my dreams.. splattered. 

They play on and on stuck on rerun, has my mind distracted from what used to be fun. 

The devil is the master manipulator ready to devour, he takes what we intended to be good and in between laughter he crushes what was once a beautiful thing,.. now he made it a disaster.

He thinks he has won, as we lay on the ground chained down by sex, drugs, and everything we could cling onto to get off this ground. We grabbed for money, control, people, success and expectations but was still left on the ground with even a heavier frown. 

The thing about all these things, is not one will make us happy and not one will set us free. 

The master at manipulating captured us in our own arrogance and shame, we allowed our doubt and disappointment to consume us and so we sprayed perfume over our mess and just continued to not pass the test.

The test.. what test? The test has already been aced and our sin was then erased. Many of you forget or push it away but God sent Jesus and He did it all without sin. 

You may not completely understand it or fully want to get it, but we give thanks to Jesus because without him we would still be chained,not just by the devil but by our own sins we have hidden deep within. 

He allowed us to be set free while he died and screamed “Father they know not what they do.” 

We may feel like life is unclear but Jesus came to prove it doesn’t matter, because, “faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” 

This means maybe clearity is not even close to what we need.

We need Grace, love, and forgiveness, can’t you see?

Jesus proved it, now can’t you just trust and push through this.

 

 


King without a Crown lyrics

you’re all that I have and you’re all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
I want to be close to you, yes I’m so hungry
You’re like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there’s no me
You’re the air that I breathe
Say sometimes the world is dark and I just can’t see
With these, demons surround all around to bring me down to negativity
But I believe, yes I believe, I said I believe
I’ll stand on my own two feet
Won’t be brought down on one knee
Fight with all of my might and get these demons to flee


Perspective

What if our failures or mess ups weren’t about not messing up but being able to let go and accept Gods love in the middle of the struggle. The focus isn’t how you messed up but if you can choose to accept Gods love in the midst of the struggle.


It’s me

You can never fail too much for this Father.
So just run to Him for His comforting embrace.
Because when everyone else can’t or refuses to understand He will, and He loves to listen.
In that moment I feel someone trying to rip me out of my Fathers arms…
The fear kicks in, I don’t want to leave This place of peace, please no!
I close my eyes I whisper His name the tears start flowing down the freckled cheeks and the anger in my chest builds.
I go to look at my capture and lose my breath when I see…
It’s me.
No scary monsters
No mean people
Just me.
Then I hear the voice through the chaos and confusion.
It says you hate yourself so much,
Especially when you mess up.
You then become your own capture keeping you from your Father.
I take a deep breath and the tears haven’t stopped, I fall to the ground grasping for any comfort around me and can’t find one the fulfills that void I created in myself.
It’s then when my Father picks up his tear filled fired up small child and says
“I love you, that’s all”


….wonder…

When the trial and fear fades away and 

PEACE… becomes the new normal.

I feel God is pointing me into a new season where I can finally see and this time I am not blind. He wants me not to just feel the experience anymore but see it and through his perspective.

I have had a peace, but even within the peace your mistakes haunt you. As most memories bring joy, some sting you with the pain of shame and the remembrance of that mistake. I don’t fear my mistakes or my past anymore but look at them with wonder. 

What does God do with them?

For people I think a lot of times we pack them away or try to but if not we relive them in memories and try to find positives. 

If hardship and mistakes bring growth and change, you don’t want to get rid of them.

I just picture a beautiful wide open grassy field where their are flowers and trees and grass for days.  I feel like God buried those “mistakes” and still beauty came from it. 

Sometimes I just wonder


overwhelmed

through tears I say oh Lord I feel so hated, unloved, misunderstood, and alone… it hurts soo bad to feel this alone.

-He says you don’t need to be understood by people because Ill be the only one who truly understands you, and noone else matters

I say but Lord, I have so much going on and noone has sympathy more me, I feel like such a burden. 

-That’s how I felt on that cross

I know I sound selfish and I really am thankful but I don’t want to pay bills, or try with people, or anything, it hurts so much to do the right thing and try to love people.

-I never said it would be easy

God I feel pushed away because of my positive perspectives, and it makes me look arrogant or that I say too much, but I just want people to stop saying things without giving people grace. I try to talk as if everyone can always hear and see everything I am talking about. 

-You all do it, but you all aren’t in the same place. You can’t hear how you talk all the time and how that comes off and neither can they, lead with love, always.

…….Even when overwhelmed its crazy what you hear when you just listen. 


Complex

Everything seems to intertwine and nothing makes since to me.

Organization, lists, literal language, planning.. this is my language. 

But with my faith I feel like I live in a world that is opposite of this. 

Trusting God, not knowing, not planning 

I want to be like that but what if I am not?

I am a tough, but sensitive planner, how do you do the opposite?

It feels so sad, hard, confusing, and overall frustrating.

I compare myself, I get mad at myself, I get jealous of others, a lot of days I wish I was different.

I know why to love myself but I don’t know how, then I get so jealous and angry that I am alone. 

the feeling of lonliness is such a cowardly feeling when we have such a big God. 

I know the lies but I can’t always feel the truth.

Then I have someone who is an aching reminder of not being good enough, not by choice but it’s just it, and its almost everyday.

I know so fully that my God is a big loving Father who has a great plan for me, but when I can’t see it I start to lose sight on who I am.

I saw a friend post something like “You’ll never enjoy being out on the ocean if you fear leaving the beach”

I don’t know how to do this but I want it so badly you have no idea, choosing to live outside of fear is a choice I feel like I have to make everyday and too many times.. but its worth it. 

I can’t wait for the day where I live free from fear and its not a huge fight its just a good habit. 


Short version of my thoughts on Divergent!

It’s just about how govt wants to conform people or even bigger outside thinking how this world wants to conform you and if you go against that conforming you are an enemy to them because they can’t control you. It talks A LOT about fear and how it can control people or cause people to act or not act when needed. So how this conformist world has you fearing being different because if you do you won’t be accepted or loved Etc. and then just not allowing the fear to control and recognizing the lies or the false reality and fighting for what is real and right.

I feared writing a paper because I didnt want to be wrong I feared people would judge me or think I am stupid or incompetent to lead other.. Blah blah blah and more I broke down because I allowed a little fear and lie consume. After the movie and realizing a lot I wrote my paper confidently in 30 min and wrote it well.
It’s a big huge mind game and you have to trust the God is the truth and that you are able to trust Him enough to save you from the lies and shed light on it like the lead male role in the movie.
**short version**



Peace

I feel like I have traveled down this road fighting off so many things..

for a long time..

I won’t ever arrive where I need to be, at least not for awhile.

The thing is I think I learned how to stop walking, to sit down in the shade of a tree on a beautiful sunny day and just enjoy the walk.

By no means does it make the walk or fights any less hard or long but it makes it more worth it.

It’s all about being content with where you are in the moment, trusting, and finding joy in that.


Blindfolded

It’s hard in life sometimes when you feel blindfolded and dnt know what step to take next.
In one of my child education classes we played this game where we were partnered with someone and one was the driver and one was the steering wheel.. The trick was the driver was blindfolded and the teacher put obstacles in the way to see if we could listen,obey, and trust the person steering.
Let’s just say this exercise was a hard one for me. I’m very much a planner and like to know what’s coming next. Life and our relationship with God isn’t always like that but we have to trust our Father is steering is the way we need to go!
Abraham left and obeyed God mostly not knowing fully what god had in store for him not knowing that one day Abraham would be so very blessed. This doesn’t mean the Abraham didn’t struggle but His trust for God helped him overcome those obstacles!
Who’s steering in your life? Your worries, friends, insecurities, mistrust, selfishness? Who’s going to help you get past those obstacles?