Life as I know it, learn it, & blog it!

Anxiety has now become my worst enemy.. My own brain and feelings!

It keeps me up at night, makes me cry and cnt stop and makes me hate myself!!

I feel I can’t leave the fear/worry/sadness I am in and that ill never get relief!

It’s taking a great toll on me..
I pray read and ask for prayers from people but I’m still left not understanding why this is necessary and why things seem to be going so crappy or why I cnt find the joy.

I feel very lonely and fight from getting mad at myself for “failing”

I want this to go away, I want to overcome this!
I know God is faithful and good and just but idk how much longer I can do this.. It’s def a low point but..
From low points almost always comes redemption!
God is good and I am very much struggling, God please do whatever you can and will to help me through this time and to love myself for who you made me and get back to that confident beautiful bold young lady you made me to be.

I feel like the devil is taking everything and just twisting it and manipulating it to just torture me, even the good things.

Club I am getting so frustrated with them not listening that I just get worn out and don’t want to deal with them

friends I don’t see them, they don’t push to see me and so I feel like they don’t want me as a friend and I go back to basically no best friends

Relationship, Brian is working hard but its not enough because the devil through wicked thoughts in my head

on and on and on!!

Lord this is not the truth!  I know there are really amazing cool things going on but the devil is trying to intervene and crush me and somehow he is doing a good job =(  I feel like I have been trying hard but then he still gets in my thoughts so then I feel like I am not trusting you God and I do, you have done so many amazing things for me that I can’t not trust you.  Father please take away this overwhelming feeling of anxiety hurt and saddness.  Lord I need YOU!! please I can’t do this and it hurts and is starting to effect other areas of my life 

I really hope no1 reads my blog anymore it’s mostly for emotional girl days to vent.. Sorry not sorry

So Brian and I are wrking on this “relationship” thing.. As in trying to he in one, he says he wants it but is scared to for it because he doesn’t want to hurt me again..
Where does that put me.. Hmmm in the middle of this is really stupid.. The end.
I just know I deserve to be desired, chased, loved, romanced ect and I dnt want to settle. I guess it’s time to go back to play hard to get and hope my heart doesn’t get shattered again he decides to change his mind again..
Still very blessed and thankful that no matter what happens God will pick up my heart and bring it back to life!
Praying for a huge poop ton of Gods almighty strength and confidence and that the devil would go screw off and leave Brian and our thoughts and life alone! Thank you God for being good and amazing and loving when I am a huge butthole that does t deserve it thanks!

I have just felt lately I am not seeing much things go full circle and ts defeating ..
My ministry when it comes to numbers is awesome and how much time we spend but seeing fruit.. No so much
Relationships one after another just cause stress confusion lack of trust and they never seem to make it long
Friends, I’m busy their busy I am in a weird place in life and no matter what ppl do I feel lonely
Family is always a day by day thing and my motivation to reconcile with my sister and motivate myself to be Jesus to the rest is at empty
Wrk… Wrk is the most stressful and I just feel unappreciated and stupid and dnt know what my future holds
-Father my white flag is up, I am soo spiritually mentally physically and everything drained.. I believe in your hope and I am surrendered, I need you I am weary and Broken and the devil is pulling the exciting hopeful things from my mind.

As I go through my ups and downs of life I realize even in the bad I can be just fine!
God didn’t stick me in this world to punish me or make me constantly struggling. He uses all situations to help better me as a person.
Lately there has been soo many blessings in the midst of hard stuff and sometimes I choose to focus on the hard stuff and fixing it and God just says focus on finding Me and My joy and Mission and Ill do all the “fixing” needed.
Only you God know what I need and only toucan satisfy me.

Soo its been awhile, I have every excuse in the book to try to use but my best is lack of motivation and business. 

The more I am busy the less I have to think about things… Family, Friends, Relationships, guilt, confusion, anger, sadness

Today Lord I am sooo very thankful for every part of my life even the hard parts because they help to make me a better person

Jackie- keeping me accountable and still motivated to be a part of my friend group instead of being a loner who is too busy for people

Amber- She is one person that has taught me patience and the beautiful nature of understanding a person.  We are very different but because of that I have learned to understand people better and to try to be more patient and positive!

Jason-He has taught me how to never give up, to believe even when it hurts and how its okay to not to be perfect because that is just exhausting.

Nate & Evan- what it looks like to be in love, they treat their woman so sweetly.  

Tbrad & Tmay- how to just love everyone no judgement and no drama.  They have taught me how to live, to be crazy, to be reckless, to never allow myself to live in this perfect box but to shock people with how crazy but caring you can be! They have also taught me other things that I won’t mention ;)

My parents/aunts/uncles/cousins/siblings- They have all taught me that tough love isn’t bad love but that it is a love that is hard to understand and with that only us as a family can understand.  We are a whole weird messed up unit that works our butts off for our own and that loves eachother soo very much.

Chels & Bryan- they have showed me what it means to love people sooo darn much that its annoying!  They honestly love and care about people soo much and over a long period of time. 

Soo many more people but not enough focus at this time.

Thank you Lord, please continue to remind me how blessed I am and keep me motivated and passionate to do your work! Love you =)